Dear Biological Mother, (A letter from a not so wicked step-mother)

While I respect that you as their biological mother might rather your child not bond with me, I don’t know your reasons for sure; Perhaps you are upset at how it all went down between you and your ex. Perhaps you don’t know enough about me as a person and are wary of what kind of influence I’ll be on your child. Perhaps you are worried about your child sharing their affections between us. Perhaps you just don’t like me for other reasons.

 

 

I know that it has nothing to do with me being a home wrecker because I am not! I was not involved with him in any romantic way whatsoever while the two of you were together. I am not the reason that one family became two.

While I do understand that most people are certainly not at their best during a break-up, and I understand that perhaps when their father and you were breaking up some bad things happened on both of your parts. However, I was not the cause of your break-up and I should not be blamed, hated or villainized by you and especially that should not be what the children are taught to feel about me. Not for my sake, but for theirs. They do not need to carry such a burden in their heart.

If the issue is that you are concerned because you do not know me and by extension what type of influence I will be on your children than I urge you as their biological mother to contact me so we can talk. By talking with me you can learn that I’m not a horrible person. I’m a regular woman just like you. I have my flaws, but I will always do my best to care for your children to the best of my abilities when they are with their father and I. Children born to me will not receive special or preferential treatment over yours, they will all be treated equally.

If you are concerned about sharing their affections with me, please don’t be. You are their biological mother, and you always will be. There is no one on this earth that can replace you, including me. But here’s the thing, I don’t want to replace you. I want to be given the opportunity to develop my own bond with this amazing child you and their father have created. I see how wonderful they are and I simply wish to share positive memories with them as well.

No one is going to like everyone they meet and by extension no one is going to be liked by everyone they meet. That’s totally okay too! You and I as the children’s biological mother and step-mother don’t have to be BFF’s for the children to benefit. All that has to be done where they are concerned is that each grown-up in their lives has to hold their tongue about any of the other ones when there is even a remote chance one of the children will hear. In front of the children we all need to respect and support each other’s parenting of the children. That will show them they can be happy, and free to enjoy their childhood while it’s fleeting wisps last, and that the adults are just that: Adults that will deal with things in a grown-up manner by communicating with each other, not through the children. That will stand as a united front against poor choices made by the child to help the child strive to become the most amazing them they can be.

Every time you speak ill of me when they are with you, they hear it and it stays in their hearts and minds. They internalize it, and struggle to feel that they are staying true to you their biological mother by being disrespectful, sullen, and angry when with us. I can deal with that, I’m an adult that understood what dating a father would entail. However, they get into trouble and must deal with the consequences when they do not follow the house rules while with us. It’s not fair to make them feel like they must have a horrible time when with their father and I just to show that they are loyal to their biological mother: you. Your children did not sign up for all of the emotional struggles your angry/dismissive/condescending/nasty remarks create within them. Children are naturally loving, and they would develop their own unique bond with me that in no way whatsoever detracts from your place in their lives, hearts, or minds if they are given the freedom to do so.

I have never once wanted to replace you, I know I couldn’t even if I tried! You and only you are their biological mother! But just as parents that adopt a child end up loving them as much as a child that shares their DNA I too can love your children that much. That means they have the opportunity to have another grown-up loving them, wanting to help them, being able to teach them things. That’s one of the very few things that are a positive in this situation. I won’t lie and say I wish you and their father were still together, to be blunt I love him very much.

But at the same time, I know that in an ideal world children would be with their biological mother and father throughout their entire childhood, but this is not an ideal world. Couples fall out of love; people who don’t truly suit each other get together and eventually realize they really just don’t suit. Sometimes someone makes really terrible, heartbreaking choices for both parties involved.

No matter what the reason that the two of you are no longer together and no matter who did what, it’s not the children’s fault that they now have a step-mother (or a step-father) in addition to their biological mother and father. Please don’t force them to feel like they aren’t allowed to enjoy their time with their father and I. Please allow them to have another person who will love them and try their best to guide them throughout the trials of childhood and adolescence. I don’t want to try to take your place; I just want to be allowed a place of my own.

 

Sincerely,

A not so wicked step-mother