Although teens are pushing for independence from their parents and searching for identity, they still desire nurturing and unconditional love.

Fifteen year old Johnny may not be trying to crawl up into your lap anymore, but he still has a deep need to feel nurtured.

Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages for Teenagers writes, “Nurture has more to do with feeding the inner spirit of your teen. We nurture plants by enhancing the soil in which they are planted. We nurture teenagers by enhancing the climate in which they grow.” 

Dr. Chapman explains, “The opposite of nurture is abuse. An abusive atmosphere is like spraying poison on the soul of a teenager. Teenagers who receive hostile, cutting, harsh, or demeaning words from their parents will eventually make it to adulthood, but the scars of verbal abuse will follow them for a lifetime.”

Yes, teenagers need to be held accountable for their actions, and there is a need for consistent consequences when rules are broken. But this can be done without the use of harsh demeaning words. For a child to feel loved unconditionally they need to know that their worth is independent of their behaviors. They need to know that their despicable behavior does not make them despicable.

In order for parents to adequately nurture their teenagers, they must first learn how to nurture themselves. Unmet and unprocessed emotional needs of the parent will spill over onto the teen. When parents learn the art of self-compassion they are better able to nurture their children and show them unconditional love.

For more on loving your teenagers, I recommended Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers.

Chapman, Gary. The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers. Northfield Publishing: Chicago, 2010.

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