Dona Matthews, PhD, has been working with children, adolescents, families, and schools since 1990, and has written dozens of articles and several books about children and adolescents. She writes a twice-weekly advice column for Parents Space, 'Ask Dr Dona.' Please send your questions to her at the e-address below. She'll do her best to answer your question as quickly as possible.
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Question: My 3-year-old calls his penis his ‘wee-wee’, but my sister says he should learn the correct term for it. I think ‘penis’ sounds too clinical, and I also don’t want him going around talking about that. Who’s right?
Answer: Your sister’s right. Children should be taught the standard terms for all their body parts, including the ones that many adults are nervous about naming. He probably doesn’t call his hand his ‘bang-bang’ or his foot his ‘walkie,’ and it’s time to teach him that his penis is his penis.
When kids know and are comfortable using the standard terms for their private body parts—penis, scrotum, vagina, vulva—they’ve got one more protection against sexual abuse and exploitation.
When children feel awkward talking about private body parts—if they giggle when someone mentions those parts, for example—they’re more likely to feel embarrassed about asking questions, and they’re less likely to tell you if someone is touching them inappropriately. Euphemisms usually reflect parents’ discomfort with talking openly about those body parts, so kids learn there’s something embarrassing about talking about them.
Recent research shows that knowing the anatomically correct language terms enhances kids’ body image, self-confidence, and openness. It also discourages their susceptibility to molesters. If kids are abused, having the correct language helps both children and adults deal with disclosure and—if necessary—the forensic interview process.
According to Laura Palumbo of the National Sexual Violence Resource Center in the United States, ‘We need all adults to be partners in teaching healthy childhood sexual development, and square one is body parts. Educators and parents should communicate accurately, without stigma or shame.’
Kids need to know that their penis, scrotum, vagina, and vulva are body parts like their arms, feet, ears, and elbows. They’re different because they’re private body parts—we usually keep them covered—but they’re matter-of-fact body parts nonetheless.
In case you want to learn more about this:
The Case for Teaching Kids ‘Vagina,’ ‘Penis,’ and ‘Vulva’, by Catherine Buni, in The Atlantic: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/04/the-case-for-teaching-kids-vagina-penis-and-vulva/274969/
National Sexual Violence Resource Center: http://www.nsvrc.org/
Ms Foundation for Women ‘Ending Child Sexual Abuse’: http://forwomen.org/content/9/en/child-sexual-abuse
April 30th, 2013 at 5:55 pm
Thank-you! I have always taught my children the anatomical names for their bodies and explained that while yes their penis or vulva are private areas the names for them are their real names.
April 30th, 2013 at 8:07 pm
That’s great, Dawn-Marie. I’d felt this way intuitively, but hadn’t realized how important it was, and how it was important, until I did the research for this question.