Question: My 7 year old, Janie, has a best friend, Alice. Alice is controlling. She’s mean to other kids and I feel like she’s ruining my sweet little girl. Janie has stopped playing with her other friends and does whatever Alice wants her to do. Alice’s parents think their little girl is precious, and any time another parent approaches them about her behavior they just laugh it off. I can see the path that Alice is headed down and I am desperate to get Janie away from her! I know that forbidding her to play with Alice isn’t the right move. What do I do?

Answer: Dealing with negative peer influence is a thorny parenting challenge that most of us have to deal with at some point in our children’s development. You’re lucky it’s happening at this young age, where you still have some influence over your daughter’s friendships. It can get a lot harder once kids reach early adolescence (11 to 14), when they’re a lot less willing to talk to their parents about their friends.

The first thing to do in any problem with kids is identify whether it’s an urgent problem requiring drastic action. It doesn’t sound like Janie’s at risk of immediate harm. That means you’re able to take a calmer, longer-range approach to solving the problem. That way, you’ll be investing in Janie’s peer decision-making abilities at the same time as you solve the current problem of Alice.

You’re right that forbidding Janie to play with Alice would probably cause more problems than it solves. Along the same lines, it’s probably not smart to say negative things about Alice. Your objective is to get Janie thinking about the friendship, analyzing it, and realizing that it isn’t really as much fun as it seems now. That starts with her identifying what she thinks is good about it. She’s way more likely to go to the next step—what’s not so good about her friendship with Alice—if she’s not pushing against your negativity.

I’d probably start with a conversation with Janie about her friendship with Alice, subtly—and positively—asking her to question it herself. For example, you might say,

‘You’re seeing a lot of Alice these days. What do you like about her?’

Listen patiently and respectfully to Janie’s answer, validating the positive qualities that Janie identifies in Alice. Maybe she finds it ‘fun’ to spend time with her.

Then ask her to talk a little more fully about that, couched in positive terms. You might say something like, ‘I like my friends to be fun to spend time with, too. What do you think makes it fun for you to spend time with Alice?’

In your first foray into this topic, I’d keep it light and positive. Look at this weaning of Janie from Alice as a process that will require your intelligence, wisdom, and patience. So this would be enough for the first chat, unless of course Janie wants to talk some more, which would be terrific.

My next foray into the topic—on another day, at another time—would be another casual question, this time about Janie’s old friends. ‘I used to hear a lot about Zoe and Ling. What happened to them?’ You want Janie to start remembering and thinking about healthier friendships she’s experienced.

It sounds like Janie’s the passive recipient of Alice’s ‘friendship.’ You want her to realize that she gets to choose her friends, and should take an active role in doing that. So, you might ask Janie what she looks for in a friend:

‘What are the qualities you most like to see in people you spend time with?’

If Janie’s slow to get started with this, you can prompt her with qualities you admire yourself—maybe kindness, honesty, loyalty. This would just be a chat about the nature of friendship. Your objective is to get Janie to think about friendships in general, so that she starts recognizing the problems with her friendship with Alice.

By the end of this process, you want Janie to see that she gets to choose her friends, and that there are qualities she prefers in people that she doesn’t see in Alice. This would be a great life lesson. How wonderful if she learns it at seven years old!

For more information,

Peer pressure defined, with some of the problems associated with it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peer_pressure

Some issues associated with peer influence: http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/friends/peer_pressure.html

Dealing with peer pressure: http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/friend/peer_pressure.html