Parenting the angry child can try your patience and push you to the edge of sanity. When your child is explosive and full of bitter anger, you may feel like you are walking on egg shells, not knowing when the next hurricane will be triggered.

When your child is chronically angry, you may feel frustrated, rejected, hopeless, exhausted, and quite angry yourself. This is understandable. The way that you feel probably makes a lot of sense given the situation.

If this is your case and you often feel like you don’t know where to turn, here are some tips that may help you and your child.

• Avoid entering the hurricane: No matter how spun up your child gets, remain calm.(I know this is really hard to do- but it is important.) Your out-of-control child needs to know that someone is in control. As their volume increases, your volume decreases. They need to borrow your calm. They need to see you model calm. Two hurricanes don’t accomplish anything. When your child is in an emotional hurricane visualize a DO NOT ENTER sign. DO NOT ENTER the hurricane. This does not mean that you allow your child to act in any way they please. There still may be consequences for their behaviors without you entering the out-of-control angry parenting zone.
• Try to figure out what is behind the anger: When a child is chronically angry, something else is going on. Chronic anger can be associated with depression. Sometimes a child, not knowing how to express sadness, grief, and frustration, will act out with anger. Take the time to talk to your child when he or she is not in an emotional hurricane. Allow him or her to express their feelings, whatever they may be, without you becoming angry. Allow your child to tell you that he or she is angry at you, if that is the case. Just remember that if you respond to their feelings with anger, you shut communication down and intensify their anger. Also keep in mind that the way they feel and the way they behave are two different things. Allow them to feel the way that they feel without reacting.
• Pause: Both you and your child practice pausing between the time your anger is triggered and the time you respond. The emotional part of your brain reacts quicker than the reasoning logical part of your brain. This is why we so often react in ways that we later regret. Focus on breathing in and out several times or count to ten when your anger is triggered. Lengthening the space between the event and your reaction allows your logic to catch up to your emotion. You and your child will almost always make better choices when your logic rather than your emotion is in the driver’s seat.
• Get help: If it is your teenager that is out-of control and you feel like either of you are in danger (or others in the house), always call the police before you resort to a physical confrontation with your child.
• Seek professional help: If you are parenting an angry child, please seek professional help for both of you. There are mental health professionals who are trained to get to what is behind the anger. If you have tried counseling in the past and found it to be unsuccessful, try it again with another professional. A strong therapeutic connection between your child and the mental health professional is necessary if your child is to heal. Maybe a different professional or more time to establish a therapeutic connection is just what your child needs.

If you have a question related to this post or you are struggling with a child who is chronically angry, please reach out to me and I will do my best to respond.

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