Why do bullies bully? Bullies bully in order to feel more powerful. At the core of every bully is a deep sense of powerlessness. Many bullies are not even aware of how powerless they feel. They may walk around with their shoulder’s back and their head held high, believing that they feel good about themselves. They often convince us that they are full of confidence. They may even be popular at school. But people who feel a true sense of self-worth, do not need to go around putting others down in an effort to boost themselves up.

 

 

Many times bullies appear confident because of their defenses. Their confident appearance is often used to mask deep insecurity. They do not want anyone to know how worthless they feel. They even hide this from themselves. Bullies are often popular because their followers are also insecure. They choose to follow and please the bully, rather than risk becoming the next target.

Many people assume that there are bullies and there are victims. What most people don’t realize is that bullies are victims behind closed doors. Somehow a bully has come to view themselves as powerless. They have usually had an older sibling, a parent, a cousin, or another family member or close friend tear them down at one point or another.

The exception to this is when a bully has endured no bullying, but has been taught to be aggressive. The bully has been taught a, “If you do not get them first, they will get you,” approach to life. However, it is very rare that a child learns this philosophy without having been bullied. This is because parents who teaches this philosophy are usually highly defensive and aggressive themselves.

A bully, wanting to feel more powerful, looks for vulnerabilities in others. In other words, a bully will look for your perceived flaws. They will scan and search and attack you where you think that you are weak. By teaching our children that we are all imperfect and have flaws can help. By teaching our children to embrace their imperfections rather than being embarrassed by them, will decrease the risk of them being the bullies next target.

From the time my daughter was three years old until she turned five or six, she would flap her hands when she became excited. When she started elementary school, several of the kids began to tease her about this. I told my daughter to tell the kids that it was just her habit and that many people have habits. I also told her to talk about her hand flapping like it was no big deal.

My daughter began to do this. She did not act one bit embarrassed about her habit. And because it was no big deal to her, the bullies began to leave her alone. They wanted to target an area where she felt weak and she refused to give it to them. She removed the bullies ammunition.

While this removed the ammunition for my daughter, every situation is different. Teach your children what is at the core of bullying. Teach them to embrace their imperfections because we all have them- even the bullies. And above all, provide an open and loving environment where your child feels safe coming to you. You can’t help your child through a situation unless they are comfortable opening up to you and telling you about it.

Related post:  Bullies Aren’t Born, They Are Made

Kristin Cuthriell, the author of this post, is a licensed psychotherapist. Kristin has experience counseling children, adolescence, and adults who have been affected by bullying in some way. To view other mental health and parenting articles by Kristin click here.